people are always surprised to hear that i hate my birthday.

they are also shocked to hear that i've never had a party, and if it weren't for tyler my senior year i wouldn't have had a cake since i was five.

my birthday is just ignored. i'm not just saying that either.

my dad ignores it, he'll say happy birthday but that's it. we don't even go out.

i don't get gifts either, but i don't care about that.

when i was little i did, because kids are greedy. in my defense though it was a little heart breaking when for your birthday you get a baseball hat for a team you don't know and a sport you don't care for while your sisters got cds, books, and toys they wanted.

and i will never forget the time when i turned nine.

it was the day before and i told my dad that tomorrow was my birthday.

he said "not if you die first."

horrible thing to say to a child.

but then again, my father is a horrible man.

but now... i'm going to be twenty-one.

i'll be able to drink legally.

i can gamble.

i already drink though and i don't gamble.

nothing to be excited about.

though one thing i'm a tiny bit excited about it is that saturday night tim might come over and be there for my birthday. if he does i said i go buy some alcohol at midnight and we could "celebrate"

i'd celebrate to not celebrate.

but i'm not going to get excited, but i know deep down it's not going to happen.

i know i'll have another lonely birthday.

also even though i have this sweet boy. though i don't really "have" him. i guess we are just two people who like each other. two people who are lost and fucked up.

but while i have that, i still miss seth.

it kills my stomach.

you'd think my heart, but mostly my stomach.

he's still in there. i don't think any kind of heart surgery could remove him.

i really thought about it, and i know what he said was true. like that's what he truly thought and believed. i just know it. you get that feeling.

you know, the feeling that separates bullshitters from genuine and sincere people.

i just don't know what happened.

a friend thinks he's just afraid, because it relates to his past behavior with me.

we'd talk, and i'd start to think he likes me, but then he'd ignore me for weeks.

that would repeat several times up until the last time. where he actually admitted to liking me.

i guess now he can't go back on it.

i guess now we can't be friends.

i guess now i'm alone and lost.

it hurt more than tyler hurt me, and honestly, i never really "loved" seth.

i mean while i never thought tyler would do that, i knew what happened when it ended. things were explained, no open endings to it.

but seth...

it just fell of the face of the earth.

i just wish he had been there, you know?