two entries in one night. i know...

sometimes i think i fall to fast. and it's hard to explain to people that "falling" has several different meaning to me.

literally falling on my face, or falling down.

[seemingly]falling in love.

and falling into what seems like an inescapable depression.

i do them all all too frequent.

but speaking about the latter.

sometimes i can feel it coming from a mile away, other times i'm completely blindsided.

either one sucks, though i think i'd much rather it be a surprise.

then you wouldn't be left wondering "i wonder how bad this one is going to be"

though i guess you could get some satisfaction knowing that you know it's going to happen, while when you are waiting to be blindsided...that's what you are doing.

waiting.

wondering when it's going to creep up on you.

it's like a fucking cat and mouse.

with my second definition.

it makes me wonder why i even like you.

what makes you so deserving and good enough?

what makes me think i deserve you and vice versa?

are you even good enough?

and what the hell makes someone "good enough" anyways?

this has been tossing around in my head for over a week now, and yet i still don't even know.

looking back on the boys i've liked this past year.

[i haven't liked people in a long time due to having been in a relationship for two years, so i guess i having raging hormones and pretty much attached myself to several boys this year]

i can't say anything about them i guess. they were all nice for the most part. they all had places to go, places they are at, or places they had been.

i don't know what makes them good enough.

or why i thought they might have been i guess.

and what made me deserve them, their time, or their affection?

what made them deserve me?

i don't know.

i guess i'm also annoyed by how people can't define love.

love is a feeling you have towards a person.

pretty simple.

but deserving and "good enough"?

define those.

but back to the beginning.

yeah i like you, i know i like you. the question was why.

why do you even like me? i'm interesting and mysterious?

those aren't good enough for me. [hahaha... good enough]

they aren't good enough because i don't know what you mean, why you like that. is that it, all i have?

i guess i'm just waiting for you to say it and mean it.

not just text me or im me.

though i guess in your defense it is hard for you being so far away.

you don't know what goes on in my life, you even said it.

i never thought that was a bad thing though. we don't talk about our days.

we talk about the universe, deserving/"good enough", what we as humans are or are not "capable of", significance, intelligence, politics...

i mean, a few things slip out.

"i'm having a bad day"

"i stubbed my toe"

"my family is having some problems"

"work/school sucked"

details are sometimes discussed.

mostly on my part.

you just don't tell me anything.

you just state.

telling and stating are totally different things.

just in case you thought otherwise.

i wanted another "deep" discussion or debate tonight.

i guess i wanted too much.