i haven't written in a long time.

so much has happened. it's crazy.

i met a boy named joel. he was pretty cool, i didn't have those feelings for him though, but we clicked. we just talked and talked and talked.

we hung out a few times, and i think he started to like me.

we talked about our age difference one night. he's thirty-one, i'm almost twenty-one [next sunday to be exact]

wha he said was cute, and caused me to like him. he said "you act olderthan what you are, like twenty-three, and well i don't act my age, like i'm about twenty-six. so there's really only three years between us."

it was actually really sweet. but then we got in a fight. it was stupid.

i asked him a week later if he still hated me and he said he never did that "we just don't make sense."

i told my friend nate about that, and he thinks that joel just started to like me too much and that's why we don't talk.

we shouldn't like each other.

we are cool now, we talk. i don't like him that way at all. and it annoys me that he is like the only person i can be myself around. he just doesn't expect too much from me.

but then my friend tim started working with me again. i've always had a thing for him. i've talked about him here.

he's good friends with tyler. or well... was.

but one night after work he wanted to hang out, so we did. he didn't want to go home, so i suggested we could find my tent and camp out in my back yard.

we found the tent but it was too complicated, so we slept in my room. his friend also came over, but he passed after about ten minutes.

i made them beds on my floor.

well tim and i couldn't sleep, so we sat on my kitchen floor and just talked for hours. then we went outside, but it was really cold, so we kind of cuddled.

i didn't think anything of it really,i thought he was just cold.

we looked at the stars and he said you couldn't see them in fishers. i told him that was because he lived in a city and that this was a country town.

well we decided to at least try and sleep because we both had to work the next morning.

so we go in my room i give him a blanket and i lay down in my bed, but he just stands there and stares at me. eventually he told me to move over.

so we lay there for hours. cuddled a lot. then he kissed me.

it was sweet. i didn't expect it though.

a few days later he tells me that he's always liked me.

that was so far over my head i couldn't even hear the whoosh. it was funny though, because i told him how i'd always had a thing for him, but i never thought much of it because i didn't think he'd like me.

so i don't really know what's going to happen with him.

the next saturday though i had invited him to a party and he couldn't go. so i was a little sad and i get to the party and joel is there with another girl. so i was a little more upset.

joel and i weren't allowed to know each other. our mutual friends would have hated both of us.

so i didn't drink for a long time, but i got around to it.

tim is texting me and i tell him i'm going to drive home and that he should call me. because i was drunk and if i've got someone talking i'm more in control.

he tells me he's falling asleep.

so i tell him i'm leaving.

while i'm going home i text him a thought i had. "it wouldn't be so bad if i died"

like because i was really drunk, i know i shouldn't have been driving, but i really wanted to go home.

next thing i know he's calling and i pick up and he tells me he's coming over, but he was completely wasted.

so... then a few days ago i was talking to cody, who's tim best friend.

we talked about what was going on with tim and i and i said some of my worries, like that he was using me and you know. simple worries most people feel when something new starts.

he told me there were a lot of sluts in fishers that that night he could have just stayed there if that was what he wanted. he said "tim is my best friend, the only person who understands me, and he drove off completely fucked up and risked his life to save yours. that could have been the last time i saw my best friend"

he was going to save me because i apparently threatened suicide, nothing in my statement says "i'm going to kill myself" it was just a statement of if that happened. on accident.

so then he goes on to tell me that i've helped tim so much. he was really messed up from his ex.

how did i help? i cuddled with him.

so i tell him that that didn't make me feel good, because he was telling me this to make me feel better.

i told him that he was making me feel like i was good for just one thing, and now that i've helped a little [or a lot as he says] that i'm not needed anymore.

so then i go to this party.

i apparently called them, but their phones were dead.

so i told tim about it last night, about me calling them. he asked if cody picked up, and i said no and that i was glad because i probably would have cried.

i told him he upset me. he asked why, and i told him was cody said about his drunk driving and how i felt incredibly guilty because what if he had died.

he said "i really did want to see you. you scare me because i don't know what goes on in your life because i'm so far and out of reach for five days of the week."

it was cute.

i told him he'd have to explain that tomorrow[today]

he said ok.

so now i'm wondering what.

this one is getting too long. i'll write another one later once i've collected my thoughts and somewhat organize them.