it's almost been a month now. i have received one unemployment payment for two weeks for 392 dollars. i opted to be taxed since i already owe taxes for being a server.

i got two letters though with differing benefit amounts. one was 228 a week and the other 440. the 440 was dated the day after the 228 one as well, and it had my name and everything. but i guess i am only getting the 228 a week.

it's just hitting my savings hard. like i was raking in at least 650-800 a week. i really feel like they are missing some financial information.

i don't even know what it's going to be like whenever i get to go back. i mean will people even be able to dine out? will we be allowed a full restaurant? because i've seen a few things saying they'll keep some of the social distancing things around. so will i even have the schedule i worked before to make my 650-800? or am i looking at a 400 dollar schedule?

i really feel like i'll just never get that new (to me) car.

i've worked in my studio a lot though, which has been nice and distracting. mostly just sketching, but i've painted some too. made some stickers. i even wrote a poem.

i also got my root canal. i have a temporary crown right now. i've needed it since christmas. it really had been making me feel shitty. i can't wait until i get this permanent crown. i've literally avoided eating on that side since december, and she said it could fall of since it's temporary cement.

i just want to eat normal.

it just makes me think about all the disorder i allow to take over my life.

i think back to five years ago and how much i and the things around me have changed. am i being nostalgic, or was i possibly happier then? where things better then?

i think it was obama. my life was so much better when that guy was in office.

i am thinking i'll go visit my dad if he's cool with it. he's at risk so even his work has sent him home until may. my sister is also a nurse, and they have been hit harder than where i live. she's had covid patients, so she has my brother-in-law drop off groceries for him so he doesn't have to. i'm worried for both of them.

even my mom. she lives in a major city. that woman is a serious chain smoker and the sister that lives with her doesn't understand hygiene.

it almost makes me want to reach out to her, but it's been so long now that it's just awkward. just a lot of explaining my feelings and knowing i'll sound like an asshole.