I haven't been on here in forever. A lot has happened.

I broke up with Jesse a few months ago. It got to the point where I hated him and avoided being in our apartment with him.

My cat Chester almost died too. I was depressed for weeks because of that. Like he is like my baby, I love him more than most people.

I did cheat on Jesse with Joel. I honestly don't feel bad about it. Jesse really just was terrible to me. Our relationship was over well before it officially ended. I would have ended it earlier but I needed to save up money so I could keep the apartment myself.

I was actually trying to go to school for a degree in psychology. So I really needed to save. He ended up completely ditching me with the apartment. I came home and everything was gone. I don't have a TV and I didn't have a couch for a long time either. My dad actually gave me his last week.

It's really awesome though because I'm a lot happier than I have been in like two years.

It also helps that Seth is now back in my life. For the most part.

He graduated college and ended up getting a job with John Deere out in Iowa.

It figures.

it's really hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Like I want to be around him all the time. He really is the only person I have ever felt this way about.

I mean I've had the biggest school girl crush on him since I met him. That was like six years ago.

It's also a bit sad, because you know, I probably should have just given up when it didn't work the first time.

lately I've also been thinking about moving. I just want to get away from everything here. Everyone asks me if I'm going to move to Iowa for Seth.

Honestly i don't know. Omaha sounds perfect to me. I don't really know why, but i feel good things will come from it.

I saw my mom this past weekend. My step dad Frank died.

She tried to guilt trip me into moving out there. She said that she has an extra room and that with her situation she really needs someone to be there.

i mean yeah, I'd be able to see my brother, but then I'd be stuck with everyone else.

I love my family. I just can't stand being around them for more than a few hours.

Like i feel that way with most people though. Large groups really drain me. I get depressed.

i enjoy my solitude.

I have been an emotional rollercoaster though. It's been bad. I just think about stuff too much.

One thing that always sets me off is when i start thinking about my life in association to solipsism and Buddhism. Sometimes i just feel like i don't really exist. Like i notice it throughout the day. And it just builds up into this depression.

Then i get this clarity. And it's like everything is amazing even though it's not and you know it. You just can't help but laugh.

I usually get really reckless. I say things to people i shouldn't say, and i get extremely irritable.

Just i don't feel like i really exist. It's the most depressing thought in the world.

No one thinks I'll actually leave indiana. No one has faith in me, even now since i am doing really well on my own. Everyone is always asking me when I'm moving back into my dads.

Thanks. I feel completely supported by everyone around me.

I have actually been looking at apartments in Omaha online and jobs. Haven't really told anyone yet. I think I'll just spring it on them. Or not say a goddamn thing. I'll just stop showing up.

i am excited.