i don't understand people.

i know that is said a lot by many people, but it doesn't make it any less true for me.

i have plenty of friends and a great boyfriend, but i never seem to be happy.

well, not happy, i don't even know the word.

maybe i just don't feel connected.

two of my friends came into work today and all we did was gossip and talk about weed. it felt weird. like i just wanted to get away from them, even though i like them very much.

with jesse, i love him. i have a hard time talking though. i talk anyways, i'm just paranoid the whole time about what he's thinking.

i've lost people by just telling them what was in my head. that, i'm not even exaggerating or anything.

i've been told they couldn't deal with it, understand it, and/or it was just to overwhelming for them because they couldn't keep up or it was just too outrageous of a thought.

it makes me feel like i'm not real. or that they aren't real.

that life is just some fake thing we live, but it's not really happening.

it makes me wonder about those people i see on the street that i'll probably never see or speak to. i wonder if they are thinking, or if they are real.

and if life is just [in] your mind, then you have to be the most sadistic person.

it makes you wonder if all that fate and destiny mumbo jumbo is even real or something you made up to make you think you have no choice in what happens to you.

now i'm thinking about how i could be challenging myself with this thinking.

thinking i've got it figured out and can change it. i wouldn't let myself though.

because that's not what is supposed to happen.